hey guys

feeling kind of pensieve so i'm sorry if this makes no sense whatsoever! just something i've got to get out.

one of the things i kind of enjoy but i guess don't like at the same time is having to explain myself. i like being able to share more with people etc. and show them what i'm feeling but sometimes don't you just wish you didn't have to disect every teeny tiny thing you do or say? why do you need to explain yourself? it's like.... it's not a crime to do or feel something and no one in the world should ever feel that just because someone else doesn't get what they're feeling etc. that they have to justify it. it's like sometimes you just have to do stuff on your own terms and sometimes you don't even know why you do it. it's just because. i wish more people could accept that i may be doing something odd or quirky and that i don't have to explain myself to anyone else. it's like... urghhh this is so hard to put in to words... i feel that we're all individuals and why should you ever have to explain yourself to someone else? like by explaining yourself it's almost as if it's wrong to be you and do what you do. like you have to justify being you. why? i was just thinking about it earlier like i'm trying to explain to people that i need to get out. like i need to get away from all the drama and stuff in my life. i just want to gather up my stuff and explore. and people are already like you can't do that and trying to make me explain it. it's just people aren't really getting that i really need to have some sort of freedom and really want to stand on my own two feet. it doesn't mean that i'm not coming back or that i don't care. the only way to really describe what i want is 'wide open spaces' by the dixie chicks. that just speaks to me at the moment. i need wide open spaces to gain new experiences and make my own mistakes.

also i just really want to break the routine. like school. i've been back for a week and already i'm bored. like this summer i really saw what else is out there and i'm ready for it. school just feels so restricting. and once again in my work i always have to explain myself. like my art course. i have to have a separate book to explain all my ideas. but that makes them feel not special anymore. like if you can break my art work down in to a dinky little paragraph and explain it then what substance has it got left? it's explainable. and what i like about art is frankly you can't explain it and there will always be the artists passion and mystery inside it. by explaining it i'm losing that. i dunno school just seems so predictable and unsignificant. like i need and want more. all the petty stuff people get in to at school and 'dilemmas' there are really aren't a big deal.

i guess to sum up i want to do more with myself. it's almost like there's something not quite sliding in to place. like there's something missing. i just feel... as if i should be doing something that i'm not. like there's a bigger challenge i'm not facing.

anyways i'm probably driving you guys crackers with my mad ramblings. i just needed to say this because i've tried to explain to other people but no one seems to really get it xxx